Firstly, I want to take a moment to thank each reader. There are THOUSANDS of people who read each journal and HUNDREDS of individuals who have messaged me. I am deeply honored that you would choose my flawed words to spend a few minutes with in your busy schedule. I am simply a human who decided to lay her heart on the line, online to strangers. But let’s not be strangers, okay?
Without further ado, here is Journal Two on the Season of Singleness.
Temporary distractions or long-term rewards
I read on Instagram the other day, “There were all these fish in the sea and yet I had my eye on that specific, emotionally distant salmon who has commitment issues” #relatable. Are you feeling like you have been here before? Your cry session last month was associated with the same feeling of disappointment and hurt as today’s tears? Are you done with confusing games and “wyd” texts?
I’m guilty of texting five guys at the same time and going on dates with three different men in one week (debatably not a bad move! #freedinner). One night in particular, I was staring at a handsome man and a thought passed through my mind, “he’s a temporary distraction”. Put bluntly, I was relying on a man to feed my unhealthy desire for attention. I (emphasis on I, not him) was blocking myself from becoming a self-sustainable vessel of love. I’m going to be vulnerable with you right now. I’ve dated men I don’t really like, I just like the never-ending flow of compliments that leave their lips. Can you relate? (note: my love language is words)
I once called my mom and told her I was sick with a common disease called “male-attention addiction”. You’re either laughing right now or thinking dannng that’s me! My mom said to me, “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result”. If you want a one-in-a-million kind of love, you need to stop accepting second best. Put differently, your King/Queen will not show up until you get rid of your jokers.
Also, dear human, your heart is like a child who needs tender care. Please give yourself time, grace and patience to heal heart-injuries and addictions. By doing so, you might choose to farewell the emotionally distant salmon. And I bet one day you’ll find a cute, friendly rainbow fish will be swimming circles around you!
“I’m not looking for a fling. I’m looking for someone to plant flowers in my soul. Someone made of water and sunlight. Someone who knows how to pour themselves just to help me grow.” R. M. Drake
Doubting he/she is out there
Confession time…. I’ve had more chocolate-eating, wine-drinking, binge-watching, track pants-wearing nights that I want to ever admit. And sometimes these nights lead to a box of tissues and a Bridget Jones movie, shouting “he’s not out there”. But if I can trust a puzzle company to make sure every piece is in the box to complete the puzzle, then why can't I trust God (or the universe) that every piece of my life, including my future boo, is there.
Feeling a little heartbroken now and then is a good thing. It’s your heart’s way of signalling to your mind that you still care. It's how you know there are these things for you in this world that still matter. Things that are still worth hunting for in this big world of other searching hearts. I like the idea that the person I will marry is currently walking on earth, living their own life, creating memories that I'll hear about years from now. I also believe it’s better to wait long, then date or marry wrong.
So, for now, settle your heart. Your time will come. One of these days you will lock eyes with someone who makes you feel at home. And you will sigh and think to yourself, Ah, there you are.
On March 6, 2015, I wrote this in my journal:
Next Journal is about a very controversial subject! Want to know what it is? You will find out in two weeks ;) Get ready!
Journal of a Virgin