How do you know he/she is the one?
Before I start, I don’t believe in the “one.” The idea of “the one” and a “soul mate” comes originally from Plato, the Greek philosopher, not the bible.
I don’t think there is one right person for you out there, and if you don’t find this person, you are doomed or stuck with some mediocre choice. This theology doesn’t sound like God’s kind character, nor does it make space for the reality that we have free will.
But I do believe in the “one you choose.” Once you walk down the aisle and say your vows, that person becomes the one you get the honor of choosing every day.
In the bible, choosing your husband/wife is a decision based on character & faith – not feelings or destiny. However, disagreeing with the idea that God creates “one person just for you” doesn’t discount the reality that God can lead you toward someone and help you make wise choices when you seek Him in prayer.
“She is free to marry anyone she wishes, as long as they’re in the Lord.”- 1 Corinthians 7
(notice the huge amount of freedom and free will God gives us here?!)
I think it’s important we have this understanding of “the one you choose” because then we realize we have an active part to play in our love stories. We are not waiting on the sidelines for God to give us the “one.” We are putting ourselves out there and asking God to help us find someone worth choosing.
So, how do you know he/she is the one you want to choose? God communicates in many different ways, so here is a list of some of the ways God may speak to you:
Peace: Emotions should not be our only guide in life. But the Bible tells us that we will experience certain emotions when we follow God’s will for our lives, such as peace! Emotions like peace (Philippians 4:7), joy (Philippians 4:4), and contentment (Philippians 4:11-13) are signs that you truly are doing what God wants you to do. After the first few months of dating Jack, I felt overwhelmed with a sense of peace. I believed a future with Jack sounded awesome, not scary.
Community Stamp of Approval: Jack and I, from the get-go, were adamant about dating in community. It is a sign of unhealth when you date and become entirely isolated - because God never wants us to make a person our whole world. He designed us to have friendships, mentors, and, more importantly, consistent intimacy with Him. The first-ever weekend I met Jack, I went with him to a wedding in Mexico and met all his close friends. Afterward, he asked all his friends for their honest thoughts on me. He met my people, and I met his. The first time he met my family, they grilled him with questions at the dinner table. We asked people we trusted for their stamp of approval.
Shared Vision: My mom would tell me to “run as fast as you can towards Jesus, and one day you’ll look over and see a man running next to you in the same direction.” I genuinely believe you should “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness” (Matthew 6:33). Find a person who is also seeking the same “kingdom” as you (aka God’s kingdom). When Jack and I shared dating, we were surprised at how many visions about life we shared. We both are passionate about prayer, hospitality, healthy sexuality, and world travel.
He/she fulfills the “love theory”: God gave me a love theory when I was 18. That’s 1 + 1 = 3. It’s the idea that the sum is greater than its parts. Find someone who makes you greater than who you are on your own. Search for someone who encourages you to be more… more humble, kind, and courageous.
Prophetic Word(s): Whether this is through a vision or dream from you or someone else, God uses prophetic words to give us divine insight into our future. For example, one day Jack and I were asking God for a blessing over our relationship and Jack heard wedding vows in his head. I believe prophetic words are confirmations of God at play, but not enough on their own. You can have felt a prophetic word he/she is your future boo, but if you see evidence of red flags or you’ve waited years for the person to show interest, then, honey, maybe it’s time to move on. You want prophetic words + (other evidence of God speaking) to feel confident this person is the one worth choosing.
Discernment: Discernment goes beyond your emotions and is a gut instinct/good judgment/knowingness from the Lord. I got to this point where I just “knew that I knew” that Jack was the one. It’s hard to explain, but I pray you know what I mean one day.
Fun: When road trips or supermarket visits, or anything mundane is a blast, this is a great sign. My favorite thing about my honeymoon (minus the s*x) was how much Jack and I laughed.
Attraction: Oh yes, you are allowed to be physically attracted to the person you date. There are many moments in a day that I look at Jack and think, “dear God, you made a mighty fine masterpiece”. But my attraction for Jack did not happen overnight. In fact, when I first met him, I didn’t think I was attracted to him. But then a month later, on a date, attraction hit like lightning, and on my drive home, God told me, “Riley, I can be the one to add attraction”. Plus, good character is sexy! I am more attracted to Jack because of his kindness, drive, and empathy.
Authenticity: When you’re with the “one you choose”, you will feel like you can fully be yourself. This feeling might grow with time. When Jack and I started dating, I started wearing less makeup and didn’t feel the need to wear the “perfect outfit.” I told him things I truly felt, not the things I thought he’d want to hear. And oh my, I was sooo goofy with him! Does your person make you feel safe to be fully authentic?
No Red Flags: I pray you find a person who does not have addictions or hidden sins. May he/she not be manipulative, mean, angry, or controlling. May “the one you choose” have awesome close friends and meets with mentors regularly. The other day, I found a Catholic magazine (hehhe love it) that put out the top six red flags and I love them:
He doesn't submit to Jesus Christ.
He doesn't go to Church.
He has major character flaws.
He pushes your boundaries.
He is impatient.
He doesn't define the relationship.
My friend, God has perfect timing; never early, never late. It takes a little patience and faith, but it's worth the wait.
Say this with me, prayer
O Lord, my God, help me to trust you with my decisions and my future. Let me lean on you with all my heart instead of relying on my own imperfect understanding. Give me clear guidance in my life, Lord. As I submit myself to you, I know that you will direct my paths and I can have confidence that your direction is always the best way to go. Hear my prayer, Father. Through Jesus Christ, our Lord, Amen.
